I’ve felt it a lot lately - anger, sorrow, emptiness, and a little lost. Mid-July we lost our little babe due early February. We were 11 weeks pregnant when we lost our angel. 2 weeks later I finally stopped bleeding, and that very night we had to say goodbye to our sweet 20 year old cat, Cali. It was pretty cruel - I was finally through the constant physical reminder of losing our baby and ready to keep moving forward with my grief, when we had to say goodbye to my companion for the last 20 years. I knew our time with Cali was running short, and I was trying to emotionally prep if that is even possible. It doesn’t suck any less just because I knew we were going to have to say goodbye.
Paul had built her the most lovely little casket for Cali, I wanted to be ready when she was ready, and we laid her to rest in the woods at my parents house. Tucked away with her is the only physical proof that our baby existed, our positive pregnancy test.
Eventually I’m going to share more about our miscarriage, because we need to talk about miscarriage more. Women AND men need to talk about miscarriage more. I need to talk about it more. Reading others’ stories helped me to feel reassured it is normal, it really sucks, but it’s normal. My feelings, I have a lot of them, are well-founded, and life continues.
I’m not moving on. Moving on insinuates there is something to get over, there is nothing to get over. We created a beautiful life that deserves to be recognized. It feels easier to be at peace with losing Cali, because she lived a very long life. But our baby is harder, I’m grieving what could have been and the person I never had to chance to meet and watch grow up. The grief feels very different between the two losses, but they don’t stay isolated from one another. They end up swirling around and mixing inside me, and let’s just be frank. I’m a ridiculous hot mess.
So, we’re moving forward, with open hearts to conceive and love our 3rd baby, and maybe one day add another furball into our life.
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To the friends who have supported us, thank you. Some of you didn’t know what we were going through, because I could’t muster up the strength to share, but seeing or talking with you and doing things that brings us joy helped us in those moments. Your prayers, hug, talks, and games all helped. We love you and thank you.